Well Kasper, you've made me reconsider some things.
I'd come to closure on my own relationship with my father many years ago. The facts were the facts. He wasn't good with the facts. I'd come to accept that he could just disappear because in his mind he never really left us. I came to think this disconnect from reality was understandable (to a point) and while I could not necessarily forgive it, I accepted it.
One of the most important things in life is the ability to forgive. We all make mistakes at some point. We're human. We're flawed. Regardless of how wonderful and perfect we want to be, the truth is simple... we're not.
But now, I see things through changed eyes...
You're a little more than four months old at this point. I love you more than I realized possible.
With this love though, it makes me question my own father. I know for a fact, I wouldn't be able to just leave you behind, regardless of what was going on in my own head. I miss you after only being away twelve hours for a work day... to suddenly disappear and have little or no real contact would not be something I'd even consider. If there was a reason for it ever to happen, i'd do my best to make it as short as possible and to get back to you.
My father did not.
Now of course, there were mitigating factors. There was alcohol. There was mental damage.
I think though, that the version of my dad that left when I was 11... isn't that far different from myself in certain regards. In others, we couldn't be more far apart.
The version of him that's left today is but a shadow. Barely worth my time and most definitely not worth yours.
I swear on my soul, that will never be the relationship between you and I. I could be trapped on the moon and I would find a way to come back to you as soon as I possibly could.
You are my son. You are, as you should be, the most important thing in my world. I will always try to do my best for you. This I promise.
Like I said above, giving forgiveness and moving forward is one of the most important things we are able to do. So while I don't hold any ill will against my father anymore for his failures... I find that the understanding I used to have of how and why it all happened is not the same. Already you've taught me new things. I look forward to more and more.
